Tales From The Video Store...

So we race to the Manukau Cinema at a total loss and bickering ever so slightly over what to see (I am YET to see Cowboys & Aliens Damnit!) when myself & my other two amigos decide to see Horrible Bosses which had started about a minute and a half ago, so we rush in, take our seats having missed the first couple minutes of the flick and are totally blown away.......

This film is funny as fuck! The three of us spent the entire film laughing hysterically at the insane amounts of dialogue and prat falls. There are so many jokes in this film that I have to see it again simply because while you're laughing at one joke, two more have flown by that you totally missed. The main cast of Jason Bateman, Charlie Day & Andy Sudeikis are not only sexy as hell (C'mon, any chick in their right mind will admit this) but they have amazing chemistry together with Bateman playing the straight man, Day as the resident screw up buffoon & Sudeikis as the oversexed know it all.

The three bosses played by Jen Aniston, Kevin Spacey & Colin Farrell are fantastically evil & insane. With the car chase/phone call scene being a highlight of the movie for me because nothing says "Cinematic Gold" more then a crazy car chase with Spacey & Aniston masturbating in a bathtub.....

This is yet another great film that has come out in what turned out to be a damn decent year for movies. And everyone has had a boss like any of these at one point or another. I know I have, so on top of the movie being amazingly funny, it was also very cathartic.

First of all.......... FUCK YEAH BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!! This movie rocked my socks off!!

I have been hearing buzz about this flick for weeks now, so I had really high hopes for it, and man did this movie pay off in spades. So the basic plot synopsis goes a little like this:

Will Rodman (James Franco) has been working on a virus called ALZ 112 to try and combat Alzheimer's, a cause close to his heart since his Dad Charles (played superbly by John Lithgow)has an advanced form of this disease. But things go slightly pear shaped and through a series of events Will ends up with a baby chimp who has the ALZ 112 virus.

I wont say anymore of the plot because honestly this movie is so great I don't want to give away any spoilers for the 2 people who actually read this sad excuse of a blog lol. But I WILL say that this movie revolves around 2 people who play off each other beautifully and who have gone out of their way to make this a great movie, James Franco & Andy Serkis who plays Caesar. I think it has become pretty clear to anyone who's ever seen anything Serkis is in that he is without a doubt one of the greatest and under appreciated actors of our lifetime thus far. Considering he has to portray the entire story with only glances, and emotional expressions he outdoes himself on this movie.


By the end of this movie, I was ready to admit that hells yes we human are all a bunch of assholes & when the chimpocalypse arrives I will happily bow down to my new Chimp overlords & do their bidding. This movie is a 5/5 for me. I can't wait to see it again!!

You cannot tell me after watching Captain America that the Team American song should have bee in this film.... especially during the fighting montage. Everyone who will ever see this film thinks this, every review I have listened to on the subject has brought it up at least once. And they are all right.

"Americaaa FUCK YEAH!" Despite the obvious Team America references, this film kicks royal ass!!! As comic book movies go, it puts almost all others to shame (Im sorry Iron Man will always take no1 spot for me) and in doing so makes me not only excited to see a sequel, but to see the upcoming Avengers movie. Xmen Origins: Wolverine wish they could have pulled off an origin story this good.

The film itself is a pretty stunning piece of geek work, with script punch ups written by Joss Whedon, directed by Joe Johnston & starring Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones, Sam Jackson, Stanley Tucci & Hugo Weaving this film is a nerds wet dream. Throughout the film there are very subtle throwbacks & bits of comic book humor thrown in (Look very closely at the Stark World Fair... Is that a Human Torch suit I see?) which to the average non-geeky watcher are simply window dressings on a great film, but for us comic geeks it's a great little nod & wink from the director for us to enjoy.

The acting itself is great, the cast go out of their way to make sure this is a great film & you'd be an idiot not to see this in 3D, I mean hello seeing Chris Evans shirtless in 3D....

Oops, I mean this picture ;)


Not that it matters what I think or say, you'd have to be a total dummy not to see this movie. And remember to stay until after the credits to see the beyond awesome Avengers teaser!!! That 30second clip along with the movie, I was in geek heaven!

I remember this one unfortunate time that a guy I happened to have a major "omg you're so dreamy i want to have your babies" crush on came into the store & returned a couple of dvds, but instead of just chucking them into the return slot he waited & handed them to me directly. I was so giddy & nervous (this guy was seriously cute, and after making small talk I started scanning them through to return them........

They were reasonably normal.... Until I got to the last two DVDs. A tranny porn, & an "older women" porn DVD..........................

Needless to say I didn't find him all that appealing next time he came in.

So the 'Transformers' producer Don Murphy has inked a deal with Cartoon Network to develop a live-action 'Captain Planet' film. This 90's action hero who fought valiantly for the environment will be revamped for a new audience with a renewed focus on environmentalism & saving the planet from us gross trashtastic humans.

As THR explains "For anyone who may be unfamiliar with the show, it centered around five young "Planeteers" - each one more ethnically diverse and sassier than the next - who each control an elemental force: Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Heart (because what fun is superpowers if you can't include a hefty social message, too?). When the sh** really hits the fan, however, the Planeteers join forces and summon the super-powered Captain Planet, green mullet and all."

"The messages of Captain Planet are even more relevant today... We feel this team can bring the world’s first eco-hero to life in a powerful motion picture that is not only pertinent but entertaining.” said Stuart Snyder, president of Turner Broadcasting System. Murphy added, “We are extremely excited about bringing the good Captain back to life. His adventures are known worldwide and he is recognized across generations. We expect to make a spectacular series of films with the amazing team at Cartoon Network.”

I have no words to describe this.... This..... Well this molestation of childhood memories..... Hollywood really has run out of ideas at this point....

This movie just proves further how shitty Xmen 3 was.

There is nothing to say other then WATCH IT!!!! It's amazing!

The movie itself, is a pretty amazing film. Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 Days Later) had taken a lot of time to draw the audience into the story and feel the frustration, self hatred, self loathing as well as the utter fucking boredom of being trapped in that little rock crevice.

And since the movie is at it's absolute core a one man show, James Franco's (Freaks & Geeks, Pineapple Express) performance helped to suck the audience in and make what could have been a really long boring movie about a guy and his pet rock into a pretty harrowing film. Although there is one questionable scene where Aron is jerking off and gets a little hands on with the boulder trapping his hand.... that kind of threw me for a second. And can I just say, out of all of Franco's work, this movie has really proven that he is an amazing actor, and not just some stoner pretty-boy. The movie gets a solid 5/5 from me.

However, I couldn't help but be annoyed by the film... Not for anything the director or actors did, but just because of the storyline in general. What fucking idiot doesn't leave a note, or tell someone where they are going!!!!! How bloody special-ed do you have to be for this not to cross your mind at some point?!

What Aron Ralston went through is borderline torture, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But at the end of the day... it's his own bloody fault he was stuck out there for 5 days. If he had told someone where he was going... or left a note, then he would have been rescued after perhaps 48hours, and he would still be able to jerk off with both hands!

Splice.... well what can you say about the movie? Adrien Brody is pretty sexy in it... Actually sex appeal is mostly what this film has going for it.

The film focuses on two uber hip genetic engineers Clive (Adrien Brody) & Elsa (Sarah Polley) who take genetic splicing to the extreme by creating a human/animal hybrid. And of course hilarity and hi-jinks ensue. Well not really, but there are a ton of mutant titties/ mutant sex (and rape... go figure)/ and generally typical horror movie tropes.

Even the blood in the film is nothing to write home about, which is a shame because the director/writers were obviously trying to get across some big moral message about where genetic engineering and humanity's pension for tampering with things they don't really understand. But when they introduced a mutant rape scene into the mix... the message sort of gets lost.

But if you're a fan of Adrien Brody and wanna get a damn good shot of his naked butt then this movie is totally for you. Otherwise.... meh.

As much as I loved working in the video store there were some nights when it was so quiet you could hear people getting into arguments at the pizza show at the other end of the complex.

One such night me and my manager (an adorable woman who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent) were at work with nothing to do. I mean LITERALLY not a damn thing, all the mundane little chores like cleaning shelves and wiping down counters, fixing the porn room so it looked presentable.... All that stuff was done. So we were chatting and gossiping as women tend to do when we started comparing phones, this progresses to sharing funny txt jokes and pictures to finally my manager starts showing me these little porn clips she had on her phone (a friend had blue toothed them to her)and after laughing about them for a couple of minutes she decided it would be a great idea to blue tooth them to me lol!

I deleted them the next day but how bored do you have to be at work to start swapping porn with your manager???!!!

Don't let anyone fool you, the life a video store clerk is in no way glamorous, and this story proves it.

One of the most utterly awkward things about working in a video store would have to be meeting customers outside of working hours.  Now don't get me wrong, despite having some of the most amazingly funny and generally wicked customers when I worked at the video store, there are always a couple you simply dread bumping into when you are out and about shopping.

One customer bump-in in particular was a gentleman who had gone on a porn renting bonanza the previous weekend.  Now he had hired a stack of new releases, a goooood $50 worth of all different and slightly odd types of porn (you can never say that my video store wasn't diverse) and had brought them back late the next day, so he got fines for each dvd.  Unlike many customers he paid the fines without a fuss and even made a bit of small talk.  However.....

What the fuck do you say to the guy when you bump into him at the local mall?!?!  Which is exactly what happened to me.  He came up to me while I was shopping and asked me where we knew each other from..... and he was not best pleased when I refreshed his memory of how... exactly... we knew each other.  I managed to stumble my way through an embarrassing conversation with this guy while he sort of mumbled and looked at his shoes turning an ever increasing shade of red............................. 

Not one of my better shopping trips, although I did giggle about it for about 10 minutes after he left.  Poor bugger.

One of the worst things about working in a video store would have to be the late fees.  And im pretty sure anyone who has hired from a video store would agree.

Trying to convince people to part with their cash to pay off their late fees is one thing, and was certainly something I was NEVER fond of doing.  But when people would come in and pay for an $8 movie with a $50 note, and then claim they have no $$$ to pay for their oh so expensive $3 late fee really hacked me off.  Seriously?!  It's one thing to lie to me, whatever that's your business.  But to think im an idiot?  Just because I look like one, doesn't mean I actually am lol. 

The video store I work in seems to have some of the most clueless members to EVER hire movies. These are some of their stories

Now I have worked in two *Video Stores* both in my little corner of Auckland, and both are the same franchise.  So when I transferred to the store I work in now, I honestly thought I had left Pervy Old Guy, or POG as I like to call him behind........ but alas, the other store closed down due to lack of awesome me being there (or because the business was losing money.... but im pretty sure it was lack of me) and POG started coming to my store again to hire movies.

He came in a couple of weeks ago and well....... it seems he has a new obsession, because he got nothing but Miley Cyrus movies out, we're talking everything from Hannah Montana to her new "grown up" movie 'The Last Song'.  I guess the Olsen Twins can now rest easy knowing he is no longer getting sweaty over their movies since he's moved on.   The guy still gives off this super strong molester vibe, and I wouldn't be surprised if he drove a very nondescript van with a sign on the side saying "Free Candy & Puppies, Inquire Within"

I found out last night that "Meet the Spartans" and "Disaster Movie" are two of our most rented films of 2008/2009 so far, followed by "Hannah Montana".

Lord, give me strength.

Now I have seen some strange things in my time as a video store clerk, but this.... oh this was just wrong with a hint of ROFLMAO.

There's a customer who comes into the store maybe, once a month and he's always nice and smiley, he seems to just be a happy person. He usually gets out New Releases and Porn which is cool with me, I don't judge. But he's never been ashamed about what he hires, he's always chatty and honestly it's nice when he comes in because I know that he's a good customer. It also helps that I think he's hot, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway he brings up his dvd, a porn movie, and we start chatting away while I enter his account info, just asking how each others day was. Then he asks if I've finished at High School yet, which makes me laugh because im 21 and at University. I tell him this and we both giggle about it, and I get his movie ready. At this point he stops talking, just stares at me and asks what im doing later tonight, "because he'd love to act this movie out with me, (and this part he slows down the talking and stretches out the words) scene...... by........ scene".

What do I do................................................................... I laugh. I laugh until I have tears in my eyes. And to the customer's credit he doesn't get insulted he just laughs along with me, then once I'd stop laughing he says "well, I guessed that wouldn't work, but admit it, you think im adorable for trying right."

Yes. Yes I do think he's adorable for trying lol. We laugh some more and I give him the dvd, and he says goodnight and leaves.

............... I love this job sometimes, it brings the lolz.

What. The. Fuck.

I had a group of teenage boys come into my store tonight, and none of them were wearing pants, boxers yes, but no pants............................... 4 kids, all, no pants.

I told them they either had to put on pants or leave the store right now, and one of the kids asked me in the most astounded voice "Why do we need pants?" After I told him they tried to argue with me about the point, like I'd cave in and realize that my requirement for them to not be in their undies is silly. Pants..... no pants, just boxers, oh and singlets................ GAH!

Kids:
Im sorry your parents didn't teach you kids manners or how to dress but it's not acceptable to walk into a store in your undies.... EVER! Why I need to explain this to you I have no idea, clearly your parents are all idiots who shouldn't have children in the first place, GTFO