Tales From The Video Store...

Ok so for the three people who read my blog you'll remember that when Twilight first came out at the movies it was like this rabid frenzy at my video store, every time I worked I had some 12 year old girl begging to hire the movie, before it had even left the cinemas yet!!!

Thankfully twi-mania calmed down a hell of a lot once the damn movie went into our recent release section, I was no longer bombarded with images of a pale sickly Eddie Cullen and sour looking Bella Swan. It was bliss. But oh how im paying for it now!

I worked on Saturday and no less then 8 people came up and asked for the Twilight movie, because "ZOMG I must rewatch before I see NEW MOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Now we have 3 copies, and they were GONE like the week before New Moon came out and have been constantly hired out since, we get one in and it's rented within the hour. Now every single one of the people who asked for the Twilight movie got really snotty when we told them we didn't have it in stock, now snotty's fine, I can deal with bitchy 12 year olds.

But one woman in particular threw a complete fucking hissy fit because she and her daughter wanted to see it NOWWWW! Seriously? I have to deal with this crap all over again! And it's only going to get worse the closer New Moon gets to coming out on DVD. Which by the way i've had 2 people ask if they can pre hire a copy of New Moon..... uhm NO! I don't even know when it's coming out on DVD, but you can waste your cash at the movies and see it there! BYE NOW!

I hate Twi-hards! oh LORD how I loathe and detest them!

I found out last night that "Meet the Spartans" and "Disaster Movie" are two of our most rented films of 2008/2009 so far, followed by "Hannah Montana".

Lord, give me strength.

As if my last blog post wasn't stupid sad enough... This guy.... I have no words for this guy, in fact he is so stupid he doesn't even get a name. Naw fuck that, lets call him dumbarse shall we.

Dumbarse came into the store today and asked if we had any music DVDs, I showed him the limited supply we had left and went back to tidying up the store. Dumbarse picked his DVDs and came to the counter, and then asked the STUPIDIST QUESTION IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. "Will these play on my record player? Or do I need one of those new cd thingies" .........................................................................................................

TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE, USE IT!!!!! It's one thing not to know about dvd's, but to be only learning about cd's!!!! And this guy wasn't old, he looked like he was in his 40's. I then spent 20 mins explaining what cd's and dvd's were and why they were different. How can ANYONE not know about AT LEAST CD's!! I know New Zealand can be a tad backwards when it comes to technology, but not this backwards!

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Now for a list of minor annoyances that bug me.

1) Don't bitch to me about how you can't pay your $5 late fee when you're getting $30 in overnight movies and you're paying with a $100 bill. Pay the overdue's you cheap bastard!

2) If you don't have correct I.D to sign up, no amount of grandstanding, whining, begging or eyebrow wiggling will get me to sign you up, I don't care how much you want to rent "Missionary Impossible" bring me something with a current home address and maybe we'll talk.

3) You CANNOT hire an R18 game if you are only 15, don't even try, I will slap you down faster then you can say "Grand Theft Auto". Also don't stand right in front of my till and beg for your older sibling to get it for you, I wont hire it to them now either, since it's still against the law because I know it's really for you.... works the same with smokes and booze too, if you don't believe me, go into you're local booze store and try it, see how far you get.

4) WE DO NOT SELL THE FOLLOWING: CONDOMS, SMOKES, LIGHTERS, KY JELLY, MILK, DELI MEATS (wtf really?!), ANY SORT OF BOOZE OR ADULT MAGAZINES. WE ARE A VIDEO STORE... But we don't sell video's either lol we only sell DVD's and junk food, just to confuse you.

5) I wont trade you a pair of earrings for a DVD, no $$ no DVD, and no I wont buy them from you "straight up yo, no lies!"

6) If you return something late don't bitch to me about it, the return times printed on the case, as well as the receipt, and the door of the store. And don't lie and say we were closed, it just makes you look like an ass.

7) STOP ASKING ABOUT FUCKING TWILIGHT Read the BIG ASS SIGN that says it comes out on the 22nd, and NO I won't just GIVE you a poster, you can buy one, but im not your "friend, homie, gurl, biatch, buddy, pal, or dudette", so I won't be giving you one for free. But just to piss you off you should know that I can get one for free if I want *insert childish mocking here*

8) Don't bring food or drink into my store, and don't bitch if I kick you out after I told you to leave your cola on the counter but you still bring it into the store and proceed to drop it on my floor. Fuck you, I have to clean that up.

9) I don't get paid to babysit your snotty brats, try and be a decent human being and keep an eye on your own kids. And if I tell you they might hurt themselves if they climb on the shelves, THEN you ignore me and they fall and DO hurt themselves. Dont bitch to me, I warned you, they are your problem, you keep the slimy thing safe, it's not my damn job.

10) Fuck every arsehole who leaves cum in the porn dvd's on purpose or otherwise. Have some manners and clean up after yourself! I hope you don't work in the food industry you nasty piece of work, because I bet you don't wash your hands after going to the toilet either. You are disgusting

It's been a while since I have had to blog about the stupidity that oozes through the doors of the video store where I work, but this guy......... well I thought he was worth mentioning, for the sake of privacy im going to call him Dave*, now please keep in mind, that when Dave* came in the first time he was, from what i could tell, drunk or had had a decent amount to drink, he smelled strongly of booze and was a little unsteady on his feet, also when he spoke he slurred a word or two.

Dave* came in and asked about becoming a member at *Video Store*, when I explained what he needed to join (photo id, proof of address etc etc) he decided it was too much effort to go back home just to get proof of address and his passport (his drivers license, as it turns out, had expired several months ago). So he decided to buy a couple of DVDs since he was really excited to use his new dvd player he had just bought at the supermarket across the road. It took him about 40 minutes but he eventually picked out 5 DVDs that he felt would be a great start to his collection. So I took the cases, popped the DVDs in put everything through the system, printed out all the necessary receipts and then handed him his brand spanking new movies. I then explained our return policy, all customers who buy a DVD with us have 14 days from the date of purchase to return the DVD for a replacement or refund, or if they are an ex rental to be resurfaced at no charge. We wont exchange anything if you "already have it", "don't like the movie", "decided you wanted something different" or have caused damage to it yourself, so bringing back a dvd all scratched up and expecting us to replace it, wont fly, and no matter what you MUST bring back the receipt, otherwise you're screwed. So he smiled, thanked me, and left.

20 minutes later he came back in with a puzzled expression on his face and asked "how do I get the disk out of the case?" Now I understand this is the first time he's had to deal with DVDs... but it's pretty fucking simple, you pop the button in the middle of the case and then gently remove the dvd, all our cases are like this. I explained this, and demonstrated it to him twice, he again smiled thanked me and left.

He then came back two more times within an hour to ask the SAME QUESTION. Both times I showed him, demonstrated it several more times, and even had him do it a couple of times. That was the last I saw of him for that night.

3 days later he came back, and tried to return the DVDs, it seems he had forgotten what I had taken SO LONG to teach him, and decided that the best thing to do was just to RIP the dvd from the case, snapping it in half in the process. When this didn't work he tried it again on all the other DVDs, getting the same result. So he decided that since the disks were now faulty he could exchange them for new ones, and "oh could you show me how to get them out of the case again". NO NO NO NO NO It took all my strength not to laugh him right out of the store, I explained that he did the damage and it's not our problem, I explained how to get the disks out of the case more then once and no one will be exchanging these for him. He grumbled and argued for a while then suddenly left. Over the course of the evening I get calls from 5 other *Video Stores* in the area, he tried to exchange the disks there and every time he failed he'd just move onto the next one.

No one gave him a refund or exchange. The moral of the story is, If You Are A Moron Then Owning A DVD Is NOT For You. I hate to imagine what he's done to his dvd player

 *Another Twilight post thats been backdated*

Twilight has forever changed the face of literature, after its violent beating and rape of the English language, it left the corpse to rot in a sticky puddle of its own blood and bitter tears. All subtlety is lost as it rips out the organs of plot, characterization, and basic grammar, leaving behind a hollow shell of a vapid romance that is both void of true emotions and common sense. Where Anne Rice left off with the mere neutering of Vampires as monsters, Meyers has gone and done a full gender reassignment.

Before the movie Twilight came out in New Zealand on Boxing day I had some real problems with idiot Twi-hards begging to know if they can rent a copy of the film..... even though it hadn't been released into the cinema in NZ let alone released as a dvd. Well the movie opened and the stream of stupidity dried up. And I was happy.

The stream of stupid has, sadly, reopened. Now I am once again bombarded with squeeing fangirls and guys demanding a dvd copy of Twilight, or failing that being able to preorder a copy. One thing though.............. We have no idea when it will be released as a dvd in New Zealand. We're lucky if we know two months in advance and even then release dates can change on a dime. So I am once again left with the duty of having to interact and speak with these kids (and yes they are usually tweenish kids) trying to explain that im not keeping their precious Eddie "sparkley boy" Cullen from them. We just don't know when he's popping out in dvd form. So sorry twi-hards, you'll just have to use your imaginations until the magic of dvd can transport Eddie "im so misunderstood and sparkley " Cullen into your dirty untidy bedrooms.

Another problem which has sadly popped up again is people who want to discuss why the books are the best thing since sliced bread. These aren't masterpieces!!!! They are pre teen vampire fantasy novels............ about SPARKLING BLOODY VAMPIRES!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have seen some strange things in my time as a video store clerk, but this.... oh this was just wrong with a hint of ROFLMAO.

There's a customer who comes into the store maybe, once a month and he's always nice and smiley, he seems to just be a happy person. He usually gets out New Releases and Porn which is cool with me, I don't judge. But he's never been ashamed about what he hires, he's always chatty and honestly it's nice when he comes in because I know that he's a good customer. It also helps that I think he's hot, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway he brings up his dvd, a porn movie, and we start chatting away while I enter his account info, just asking how each others day was. Then he asks if I've finished at High School yet, which makes me laugh because im 21 and at University. I tell him this and we both giggle about it, and I get his movie ready. At this point he stops talking, just stares at me and asks what im doing later tonight, "because he'd love to act this movie out with me, (and this part he slows down the talking and stretches out the words) scene...... by........ scene".

What do I do................................................................... I laugh. I laugh until I have tears in my eyes. And to the customer's credit he doesn't get insulted he just laughs along with me, then once I'd stop laughing he says "well, I guessed that wouldn't work, but admit it, you think im adorable for trying right."

Yes. Yes I do think he's adorable for trying lol. We laugh some more and I give him the dvd, and he says goodnight and leaves.

............... I love this job sometimes, it brings the lolz.

*Warning, im super mean in this one, but after so much stress at work.... well I needed to vent*

Dear Customer,

You asked where Transformers was, in the rudest tone possible I might add. Please do not walk away while I am trying to explain to you where the dvd is located, only to come back in 5 minutes and complain that "you couldn't find it" and "you told me the wrong place to look". Actually good customer I didn't tell you anything, because you walked away while I was trying to speak to you in my happy smiley polite tone of voice that masks the fact that I wish to choke the life out of you. "Why?" you ask, would someone as semi normal and friendly as me want to strangle you and dance on your corpse?

Because you did this to me no less then 6 times in the span of two hours. And when i asked if you wanted me to show you where the dvd's were you waved me away like a servant girl, which last time I looked was not part of my job description. You also had the nerve to start muttering and bitching to your friend about how stupid I was and didn't know the store from my arse or elbow, even though i went out of my way to help you, well let me assure you good customer I have never tried to poop from my elbow, so im pretty sure I AT LEAST know where my arse is. Oh, you didn't realize I was behind you? Wow sir, you sure look worried, but fear not, I wont yell at you, im simply going to pretend I didn't hear you, smile and walk away.....

Edit: Also to the young man on Saturday afternoon who threw a tantrum and started swearing and calling me and my co worker names, JUST because we wouldn't take all your silver coins and give you a $20 back, Fuck you. This isn't a bank, in fact, the damn banks which are 2 shops down from us are STILL OPEN! Go get you $20 from them. You aren't a customer so we don't have to do shit for you, and we wont since when I told you in my nice smiley customer friendly voice that "im sorry we don't give or switch change" you walked off swearing, yelling, calling us both names and being the sad piece of gutter trash you were so clearly raised to be. Go die in a fire!

It is this sort of customer that can make working in customer service really hard. It took all my effort to still smile and be nice to the customers who walked in that night, and on Saturday afternoon. I don't mind cleaning up bodily fluids, or renting out porn to dirty old men or even cleaning up poop, but I hate it when people bad mouth my customer service skills just because they are too stupid to listen. I also hate it when people think just because i wont bend over backwards and lick their nuts it gives them the right to swear, yell and act like they were raised by retarded, crack baby, inbred, asshole hillbillies.